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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Letter To Guys Everywhere

NOTE: Guys, if someone sent this to you, they think you need help! ...Or they wanna make you laugh. Oh, yeah, if you don't think this applies to you, keep reading. It probably does. And remember... Rule Number 1: I talk. You listen.

Dear Every Single Male on the Planet,

Gentlemen. I have been searching for reasons as to why your relationships may fail after the first date. I tracked down the ladies who you went on dates with, and they told me what you said. Well, I am astounded, I am shocked, I am disgusted, and now I'm hungry... And, quite frankly, I'm a bit worried about the future of the human race. So, I have composed a list of things that you are never, EVER, under any circumstances, are you allowed to say on a date.


  1. "You looked different online. Like, hotter different."
  2. "No, no, don't order that, it is expensive."
  3. "I AM AN AXE MURDERER."
  4. "What's your sister's phone number again?"
  5. "Wow. You're really hungry, huh?"
  6. "You are soooo lucky to be with me."
  7. "I AM A STALKER."
  8. "...so, yeah, that's the story of the first time I saw my grandma naked."
  9. "Omigod... this new app is awesome..."
  10. "I really don't see the problem with living with my mom forever. She's really nice and has a sweet internet connection."
  11. "I INTEND TO STALK YOU."
  12. "Hmm... the thing I liked most about my ex was... Whoo, she was hot."
  13. "No, no, sweet precious darling, you don't look that bad."
  14. "I know it's our first date, but will you marry me? I love you."
  15. "How would you like to be the mother of my seven children?"
  16. "I INTEND TO STALK YOU AND THEN AXE YOU."

So yeah. Don't EVER say any of these things on a date. If you choose to, check with your doctor first. Side effects may include:
  • A drink to the face
  • A mild expletive
  • Eye-rolling
  • Getting laughed at
  • Sudden termination of the date
If you take a lady out, compliment her (but be sincere), act like a gentleman, ask her questions, and then actually listen. (Yeah. I know. Crazy, right?) Goodbye, and good luck.)

Big kiss, class dismissed!

-Ultraviolet

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