Dear Every Single Male on the Planet,
Gentlemen. I have been searching for reasons as to why your relationships may fail after the first date. I tracked down the ladies who you went on dates with, and they told me what you said. Well, I am astounded, I am shocked, I am disgusted, and now I'm hungry... And, quite frankly, I'm a bit worried about the future of the human race. So, I have composed a list of things that you are never, EVER, under any circumstances, are you allowed to say on a date.
- "You looked different online. Like, hotter different."
- "No, no, don't order that, it is expensive."
- "I AM AN AXE MURDERER."
- "What's your sister's phone number again?"
- "Wow. You're really hungry, huh?"
- "You are soooo lucky to be with me."
- "I AM A STALKER."
- "...so, yeah, that's the story of the first time I saw my grandma naked."
- "Omigod... this new app is awesome..."
- "I really don't see the problem with living with my mom forever. She's really nice and has a sweet internet connection."
- "I INTEND TO STALK YOU."
- "Hmm... the thing I liked most about my ex was... Whoo, she was hot."
- "No, no, sweet precious darling, you don't look that bad."
- "I know it's our first date, but will you marry me? I love you."
- "How would you like to be the mother of my seven children?"
- "I INTEND TO STALK YOU AND THEN AXE YOU."
So yeah. Don't EVER say any of these things on a date. If you choose to, check with your doctor first. Side effects may include:
- A drink to the face
- A mild expletive
- Getting laughed at
- Sudden termination of the date
If you take a lady out, compliment her (but be sincere), act like a gentleman, ask her questions, and then actually listen. (Yeah. I know. Crazy, right?) Goodbye, and good luck.)
Big kiss, class dismissed!