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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Letter To Guys Everywhere

NOTE: Guys, if someone sent this to you, they think you need help! ...Or they wanna make you laugh. Oh, yeah, if you don't think this applies to you, keep reading. It probably does. And remember... Rule Number 1: I talk. You listen.

Dear Every Single Male on the Planet,

Gentlemen. I have been searching for reasons as to why your relationships may fail after the first date. I tracked down the ladies who you went on dates with, and they told me what you said. Well, I am astounded, I am shocked, I am disgusted, and now I'm hungry... And, quite frankly, I'm a bit worried about the future of the human race. So, I have composed a list of things that you are never, EVER, under any circumstances, are you allowed to say on a date.

  1. "You looked different online. Like, hotter different."
  2. "No, no, don't order that, it is expensive."
  4. "What's your sister's phone number again?"
  5. "Wow. You're really hungry, huh?"
  6. "You are soooo lucky to be with me."
  7. "I AM A STALKER."
  8. ", yeah, that's the story of the first time I saw my grandma naked."
  9. "Omigod... this new app is awesome..."
  10. "I really don't see the problem with living with my mom forever. She's really nice and has a sweet internet connection."
  12. "Hmm... the thing I liked most about my ex was... Whoo, she was hot."
  13. "No, no, sweet precious darling, you don't look that bad."
  14. "I know it's our first date, but will you marry me? I love you."
  15. "How would you like to be the mother of my seven children?"

So yeah. Don't EVER say any of these things on a date. If you choose to, check with your doctor first. Side effects may include:
  • A drink to the face
  • A mild expletive
  • Eye-rolling
  • Getting laughed at
  • Sudden termination of the date
If you take a lady out, compliment her (but be sincere), act like a gentleman, ask her questions, and then actually listen. (Yeah. I know. Crazy, right?) Goodbye, and good luck.)

Big kiss, class dismissed!


Monday, February 28, 2011

Ultraviolet Is Back!

Okay, so I've been neglecting this blog. Yeah, yeah, I know. I really am sorry. So anyway, Malicious, Mischievous, and Mad is back with a vengeance! I'll try to post weekly, but that's not a definite thing. So don't hold me to that! Why haven't I been updating? The school play (Annie Jr. is on March 10-11. If you know me in real life, you know where it is, so come see it!), fanfiction (YES, fanfiction is a priority!), writing three things at once, schoolwork, sleeping, eating, digesting, laziness, etc.

To make up for my busy-so-I-can't-update-the-blog-ocity, here is a Harry Potter fanfic which I think you'll find amusing:

So You Want to Be a Death Eater..
Your guide to everything evil!

Greetings, new follower:
If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as the Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and you have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you will be as terrible as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them.
Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death Eating, which you must memorize and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before swallowing).
The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly.
Yours in infamy,
Lord Voldemort

So You Want To Be A Death Eater?

Welcome to this helpful guide to being a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating.
Aims of the society:

  1. World peace * 
  2. To be evil 
  3. To conquer the world 
  4. Elimination of all Muggles 
  5. Elimination of all Mudbloods 
  6. Elimination of Albus Dumbledore & the Order of the Phoenix 
  7. Elimination of (miscellaneous) 
  8. To serve Lord Voldemort (that's me!) 
  9. To create sanctuaries for endangered breeds of snakes 

* This statement is a lie.

List of Equipment required for new Death Eaters:
(Equipment marked * must be obtained from Messers. Gorgon & Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do mail order as well.)

Long Black Robes (Casual) *
Long Black Robes (Smart) *
Short Black Robes (for summer wear) *
Long Black cloak (silk is preferable to velvet, as it is much more absorbent) *
Black mask (informal)
Black mask (sequined)
Black boots (Stiletto heels are no longer permitted) *
Black leather gloves (barbed wire ornamentation optional) *
Extra wand in case of losing first wand
Plastic imitation wand in case of losing Extra wand
Cane (For favored members only. Unauthorized possession of a cane will result in a heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch).
Dueling sword *
Disguise kit, containing: Nun's outfit, false beard, beekeeping veil, Muggle policeman's costume, etc. *
Assorted chains
Pointy stick

Recommended Reading:
Curses and Counter-Curses by Professor Vindictus Viridian
Evil: A Beginners Guide by Professor E. Maledict
The Illustrated Torturer's Handbook by Bellatrix Black
What Not to Wear in the Torture Chamber by Narcissa Malfoy
Sex, Lies, and Unforgivable Curses: The Authorized Biography of Lord Voldemort by Peter Pettigrew
Caring For Your New Tattoo: An Informative Guide by St. Mungo's Hospital Skin Department

Death Eater may also own snake or dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may possess a basilisk.

Death Eater Rules:

  • No Death Eater shall be a spy for Dumbledore.
  • No Death Eater shall play the harmonica.
  • All Death Eaters must be proficient in the Dark Arts: murder, Unforgivable Curses, yodeling etc. An annual examination will be made to make sure that all members are up to scratch.
  • No Death Eater shall behave with integrity unless it is a genuine accident.
  • A Death Eater must be pureblooded.
  • No Death Eater must ever mention that the Dark Lord himself is not pureblooded.
  • No Death Eater may kill another Death Eater without a very good reason.
  • All Death Eaters shall answer Lord Voldemort's summons immediately. (Unless you are having a shower, in which case it is permitted to don a bath robe first.)
  • All Death Eaters shall have vaguely sinister surnames.
  • All Death Eaters shall overtake on the left.

Frequently Asked Questions:

What happens if Voldemort is displeased with me?
As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include:

  • Being slowly eaten by a manticore.
  • Being dissolved in a vat of basilisk venom.
  • Gradual impalement on your own wand.
  • Death by Mandrake (according to season).
  • The Pancake curse. (This newly developed spell will carve you into wafer-thin slices. Victims killed in this way are traditionally cooked in hot fat and served with maple syrup or lemon juice at Death Eater feasts.)
  • Being flayed alive and used as a life-sized glove puppet at Death Eater children's parties.
  • Avada Kedavra (if we're in a hurry/ feeling rather unimaginative).

What should I do if I decide to leave the organization?
Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible. (See above)

What is the salary like?
You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed.

Does the Dark Mark hurt?
Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp?

Can the Dark Mark be removed by laser treatment?
No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question.
But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer.)

Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters?
You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem.

Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldemort?
Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for each individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldemort is much more important. Occasional massacre outings/ dark revels may take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behavior.

What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy?
This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it.

The Death Eater Anthem (to be memorized by each new recruit as soon as possible). Please note that this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Blackadder," an inane Muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch reruns of whenever we can. Honestly.

Who lurk beneath the undergrowth?
When all is dim and dark?
Who murder people in their beds
Or sometimes in the park?
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
Our blood is pure as pure!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We all love Voldemort!
We serve the Dark Lord every day,
We're always very loyal
And if with us you don't agree
We'll boil you in hot oil!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're evil as can be!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
But if we're scared we'll flee!
Our curses are incredible.
We're known for our Morsmordres
And though our leader is insane
We always follow orders.
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're wickedness collective!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
Yet rather ineffective!

Health and Safety:

Being a Death Eater is naturally a dangerous job. Lord Voldemort accepts no liability for any pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us.

However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the Dark Lord:

  • Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practice.
  • Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Dark Lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them.
  • If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, of 13, Knockturn Alley, run a very efficient assassination service and are currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.)
  • Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once).
  • Obvious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/ making sinister comments/killing people should be practiced only in private.
  • If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke.
  • Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be.
  • Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offense when visiting a pub or bar but it's better than being dead. Obviously.
  • Do not take off your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while you are conjuring the Dark Mark/ massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater.
  • Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof.
  • Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. (Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway.)
  • Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to global warming.
  • Set up an anti-Apparating spell round your residence (but make sure you have a Portkey handy so you're not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by Aurors).
  • Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may lead to your sharing a hideout with another Death Eating family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, etc.
  • Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.)

Friday, January 21, 2011

How To Really, REALLY Annoy People

  1. Glue Legos together.
  2. Do not add any inflection to the end of a sentence, and make the impression you will say something more at any moment.
  3. Forget the pun line to a long joke, but assure them it was a real hoot.
  4. Try to ask 1-800 operators for dates.
  5. For added fun, use number 27 on my "101 Ways To Get Yourself Kicked Out of Wal-Mart" list.
  6. Write the surprise ending on the first page of the library book.
  7. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 
  8. Sing the Batman theme song for no apparent reason.
  9. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 
  10. Drum on every available surface. 
  11. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 
  12. Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
  13. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of copy right warnings...
  14. ...that lasts two hours.
  15. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public places consisting entirely of "beep, beep beep-beep-beep.
  16. Insist that you are a ninja.
  17. Name your dog "Dog."
  18. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

Original Fiction Survey!

List twelve of your favorite characters from your story in no order.
1. Fala
2. Sophia
3. Lyn
4. Brooke
5. Holly
6. Danny
7. Patrick
8. Alec
9. Milo
10. Delilah
11. Aurora
12. Saffron
1. Do you want to read a Six/Eleven fic?
Danny/Aurora. HELL YES!!
2. Do you think Four is hot? How hot?
Brooke is supposed to be pretty, so sure.
3. What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?
Saffron getting Alec...? How is that even...?
4. Can you recall making any pics of Nine?
5. Would Two and Six make a good couple?
Sophia and Danny? NEVER.
6. Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Why?
Uhhh... Oh look. Another question.
7. What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve making out?
Patrick on Sophia and Saffron. He'd probably run away.
8. Make up a summary for a Three/Ten fic.
9. Should there be any such thing as One/Eight fluff?
Alec/Fala. I ship Delilah and Alec, but sure.
10. Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic.
I refuse to answer this one.
11. Does anyone on your friends list read Three yet?
12. Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven?
13. Would anyone on your friends list write Two/Four/Five?
Uh, I doubt it.
14. If you wrote a Song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose?
Speak Now. Cue Delilah crashing the Alec/Fala wedding!
15. If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be?
Warning: So many aspects of wrongness.
16. When was the last time you wrote a scene with Five in it?
Couple days ago.
...and I just realized Adele wasn't on the list. *facepalm*

Saturday, January 8, 2011

How To Confuse, Annoy, or Just Generally Scare People In The Movie Theater

DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for the arrest, lawsuit, injury, death, or any other negative thing that may will follow if you take the advice of this blog.*evil laughter*

  1. Laugh hysterically during sad parts.
  2. Every time there is a gun shot, scream, "Hit the floooor!", jump to the floor and cover your head.
  3. Ask the person at the ticket counter "Do you come here often?"
  4. Start an standing ovation at the end of the movie.
  5. Become a bookie. Take bets on which character (or audience member *EVIL GRIN*) will die first.
  6. During the previews, yell out "Can you fast foward it please?"
  7. Clap and cheer when the good guys gets killed.
  8. Clap loudly everytime a person walks into the theater late.
  9. Enquire what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.
  10. Ask a friend to sit four seats beside you and to call you to your mobile phone, answer after a few rings and start to talk loudly about any anoying subjects you can or about the movie.

Monday, January 3, 2011

How To Be A YouTube Flamer!!!

Hey, you! Yeah, you! The lazy one in Ohio! Have you ever wanted to be a YouTube flamer? Not sure how to begin? Only feel slightly bothersome in comparison to some of the other, greater flamers out there? Never fear, for I am here!

My Handy-Dandy Guide To Being A YouTube Flamer!!!!
  1. Forget about everything you ever learned in grammar. Who needs it?
  2. Everyone knows that you're too cool to use proper spelling. So forget it!
  3. Be sure to mention how much of your life the poster has wasted. Is the video 3 minutes long? They wasted 3 minutes of your life!
  4. Make damn sure bitch every other goddamn word is a cuss word, bitch.
  5. Make sure you have no videos of your own.

And now you're ready to get flaming!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

7 Things You Just Shouldn't Say To A Police Officer

  1. "I pay your salary!"
  2. "What? You need a license to drive?"
  3. In response to "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, I'm too stoned to remember."
  4. "Just haaaad to test out that new siren, huh?"
  5. "If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight."
  6. "Yes, I know my driving isn't top-notch. But ya gotta admit, I'm pretty good for someone who's completely drunk."
  7. "Whoops, that's the fake one... Here ya go, I think this is the one."

Yeah. So seriously, if you get pulled over, don't say any of these. It's just stupid.